A Love That Nurtures

Challenging relationships are in. The cultural zeitgeist of the moment is super into challenge. We have all heard at least one friend say the line “They just really challenge me to be better” when discussing their new relationship. For a time, I was all-in on this idea of a superhuman duo, where each partner worked as the guardian of the other’s dream board. I thought I could have a two-for-one deal on a life coach/ life partner. I subsequently dated a lot of men I found challenging. They challenged my ideas, my goals, my opinions, my work ethic, and my career plans. I realize now, no relationship expert would suggest seeking out this sort of “challenge”. But I genuinely thought a relationship needed struggle to be healthy. In my mind, a relationship without challenge was stagnant.

Cue meeting Seth, my now husband. Seth did not and does not challenge me. There are no nudges to work-out more, or apply to more grad-schools, or get a higher paying job. He does not challenge me to be more productive or watch less TV. Seth accepts me. He accepts me as I am in that moment each moment. He holds me when I cry, he affirms my goals, he celebrates my successes. Seth doesn’t challenge me, he nurtures me. He offers me the space, safety, love, and support I need to improve. I realized through our relationship that I don’t need anyone else to challenge me. I already keep an ever-expanding laundry list of to-dos in my mind. If he began pointing out when I fell short of meeting my goals, it would likely trigger the productivity shame I struggle to keep at bay. I need nurturance. Instead of the coach with the bullhorn on the sidelines, I need the steady care of a gardener tending his flowers. Seth gives me that, every day. His belief in me imbues me with the courage to grow when I need to grow, and rest when I need to rest. So, while a challenge can be great for a time, I prefer a love that nurtures.