Let's Talk About Sex

Sex. Almost all of us have it, yet almost none of us talk about it. Why are we so afraid to talk about our sex lives? Are we afraid to appear crass? Or to admit to shortcomings? Are we worried people will think we are posturing? Or ashamed and embarrassed of our own desires? Whatever the reason is, our fear to acknowledge our sex lives has left many without the resources or knowledge to fully enjoy them. I grew up in a schooling system which (under great parental pressure) offered abstinence only sex-ed. They claimed the responsibility was on the parent to teach their kids about sex, but many parents are too embarrassed to engage in meaningful discourse on the subject. Instead, they offer only lackluster explanations on the mechanics of the act. Kids are left to their own devices to “figure it all out”. Some who choose to look for answers turn to the internet where they are offered inaccurate and often harmful depictions of sex through pornography. Or it takes them years of exploration to learn simple anatomy. While others may choose to wait until marriage and find themselves without any understanding of their bodies or human sexuality as they try to navigate their new sex lives. Talking about sex is beneficial to everyone, whether you choose to be abstinent until marriage or explore sex with many partners.

Sex can add a dimension of profound intimacy to relationships. It can be a forum for exploration and play in our adult lives that are so often void of it. Good sex is important and it is okay to value it in our lives. But when we are too afraid to ask questions, explore pleasure, and talk to our partners openly about our desires, sex can quickly become an experience of discomfort, and shame. This is especially true for women. Our pleasure is more convoluted and multi-dimensional than it (often) is for men. What feels good one day, may not work the next. What we need to achieve climax could change depending on our cycle, our mood, our stress levels, and our schedule. Many women experience shame about their sex lives due to misinformation. They think there is “something wrong” with them for being unable to achieve climax through penetration alone or for needing the help of lubricant to get wet. When in reality, only 18% of women can actually orgasm solely through penetrative sex and “wetness” is in no way an accurate measure of a woman’s arousal. Our sex lives are shamed as not enough when we need additional clitoral stimulation in the form of toys, oral, or masturbation. This shame is compounded when men see women’s pleasure needs as indications of their sexual failure or our disinterest.

What constitutes great sex varies between each pair of sexual partners, but no one has truly great sex without communication. This is why it is vital to our sexual health to lay down our shame and our fears and open up. Physical intimacy first requires emotional intimacy. It requires the vulnerability to know our own needs and advocate for them. It requires the courage to speak our desires, even when they feel silly. The pluck to try new things, things that might make us blush. The self-confidence to hear from our partner what doesn’t work for them without making it about ourselves, and the guts to ask how we can better meet their needs. Sex can be fun, and playful. It can be serious, and sensual. It can be wild, and passionate. It can be whatever we want it to be, but first we need to learn how to talk about it.